Conquest and colonization are not cool.
Except for Viking and Muslim conquest, in which case the History Channel will make you look positively civilized, omitting the genocide and depicting Viking and Muslim women as equal to men.
Conquest is also apparently acceptable when it was one First Nation against another prior to European contact.
Enslavement, rape, kidnapping, murder and genocide, it was all part of the "peaceful coexistence" in a pristine natural environment, prior to the depraved selfishness wrought by the white man.
The gay rights movement confuses sexual preference with open sexuality, and has in many instances become little more than a gay pornography movement. But if you complain that the gay pride parade is a bit too racy, then you're clearly a right-wing homophobe.
You can only smoke cigarettes if they're made by a French company like Gitanes. Everyone knows only American tobacco causes cancer.
It's not hip to be a man or woman of the cloth unless you're black, and preferably a reverend. And it's certainly not cool to go to church and sing praise to the Creator, unless you're black or Muslim.
Self-defence is a crime, unless you're a black rapper, in which case it is considered "authentic" to carry a "piece."
Rappers may also smoke American cigarettes, as can First Nations chiefs.
Likewise, you can't hunt or trap fur without rebuke unless you're First Nations, nor can you wear fur unless you're a black rapper, or Star Jones.
And you definitely can't use offensive terms like the B, M and N words, unless you're a black rapper... or Star Jones.
Never ridicule anyone's religious beliefs unless they're Christian, then anything goes, including that old standby, the crucifix-in-human-urine "work of art."
Again, being of colour renders your religion unassailable, especially if you espouse Marxist principles or Islamic world domination.
An abused woman who fears for her life can shoot her alleged abuser and not be prosecuted, thanks to the battered woman defence. However, men and women who are not abused are not allowed to protect themselves or their families with a firearm because, having just met their attacker, they can't prove a pattern of abusive behaviour. It befalls to the police to protect in such cases, in spite of the fact you'll be dead by the time they arrive.
Men can show their chests in public, so women can too. Everyone knows there's no difference between men's and women's breasts, right? And you can't oppose gay marriage, unless of course you're America's first black president or a fundamentalist Muslim, in which case your position is expected to "evolve" gradually, over five or 500 years, respectively.
And you most certainly cannot insist that women remain uneducated, barefoot, pregnant and hidden from view, unless you're a fundamentalist Muslim. Nor can you threaten violence against those who don't share your beliefs, unless you're a fundamentalist Muslim, or a member of the Black Panthers.
Everyone must support women's rights, except in the case of sex-selective abortions. And everyone must support gay rights while also supporting the right of every fundamentalist Islamic group in the world to spread their beliefs at gunpoint while executing gays and assassinating girls who try to go to school.
In supporting women's and gay rights, please ignore the fact Israel and all of Christendom have done more to advance women's and gay rights than any other religion or culture. Such flagrant chauvinism will not be tolerated.
Lastly, whatever you do, and no matter what your credentials might be, don't even think of opening Canada's first private hospital unless you're the chief of one of Canada's most successful Indian bands.
It pays to be consistent. Sort of.
Mischa Popoff has a degree in the history of science and is a policy adviser for The Heartland Institute.